I have surprisingly strong feelings about underpants, or rather the celebrities who endorse them. I don’t have skin in the game; I’ve never been a designer-pants man. The nearest I got to any kind of endorsement deal was with the Björn Borg brand. They gave me some briefs, but, bafflingly, expressed no interest in photos of me wearing them. So I just wore them until they wore out, then went back to M&S.
While I cannot imagine ever buying Calvin Klein pants, I do take an interest in their models. I could have sworn blind David Beckham was one of them, but it turns out otherwise. Armani, H&M and Hugo Boss, but not Calvin Klein. Freddie Ljungberg was a CK man. Smouldering away, but a bit too much body oil for my taste. Looked a right slippery fish. The biggest letdown was Jeremy Allen White, the actor from The Bear. I took him for someone a bit like me – ate too much and therefore on the paunchy side. Suddenly, he was up on billboards in his undies, all toned and muscly, with abs as clanking hard as his cast-iron pans. Disappointing. What a sellout.
Now, in Jude Bellingham, we have a clear winner. Simply magnificent. So much to love about his Calvin Klein campaign. The first thing I noticed was the size of the pants. Big is back. Great. I like proper apple-catchers. Real men don’t wear skimpy briefs. Not that anyone I spoke to seemed to notice the pants. Even at the Guardian, I’m sorry to report, some of my colleagues have been objectifying this young man’s body. One of them wrote to me: “I have to say, absolutely nobody is thinking about the pants when they look at those pics, Adrian!” Again, disappointing.
Credit where it’s due, though. What. A. Body. Bellingham actually went to the same primary school as me, but his PE teacher must have been more demanding than mine, because my body looks nothing like his. What I love most about the photos, even more than the body and the generous cut of the pants, is that he’s obviously above any of the silly, sultry pouting of your Ljungbergs or Beckhams. In my favourite shot, he’s obviously been told to hook his thumb in the top of the pants, implying he’s about to pull them down. No such nonsense for Jude, though. It looks more as if he’s demonstrating the elasticity of the waistband or, alternatively, how much weight he’s lost.
So credible, so sensible; simply superb in every way. I might even buy a pair, for in Jude I trust.
Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster, writer and Guardian columnist
